Instructions For How To Get Anything You Want In Life In 5 Steps

This might offend, though it's not meant to

Hey! If you like stuff like the answers to the world’s most complicated life puzzles in regards to being a comedian, you’ve come to (one of) the right place(s). I’m asking for $7 per month to support this kooky endeavor, and in return, you will get all of my help. I promise you, you’ve most likely never met a more resourceful person in your life. Trust me. Ask me how to solve your life’s most complicated problems and promise you, I will. For $7. Pretty cool, right?

Here are instructions for how to get anything you want in life. Trust me, I’m a comedian. :-) It might take some practice, and there are other options, but it’s a path that has worked for me, truly.

I see a lot of people online, especially women and young men, posting and making videos about feeling helpless. It is easy to feel that way in a world that can sometimes feel like it was set up to encourage failure. But don’t let it get you down. The world can also be pretty great.

Whether you have a degree or not, were/are abused and are still working through that, have health issues, regardless of age, no money, all the money but no focus, addiction, peanut allergies, can’t drive a stick shift, noncommittal, whatever your case is, you can succeed, and by succeed, I mean, you can get whatever it is that you want.

The truth about pillows — To make life better, sleep without one.

I want you to know this. My background is just as depressing as any worst case scenario—I am a child of divorce and lots of other misfortune and weirdnesses and poverty, abusive relationships, major debt, lack of mentorship, all that stuff. I was addicted to Little Debbie snacks and I grew up in a town of 1000 judgmental white people. I don’t want to go too deep into it, because I don’t want to make you cry, or feel sorry for me. I want you to be jealous of me a teeny bit. Inspired, I mean! But my life has had it’s rough patches. I’ll write a book about it someday, promise.

Today, all that wacky stuff has been replaced with good things. I have nearly everything I always wanted, except a garage full of muscle cars. I’m not Jerry Seinfeld. While my comedy career isn’t quite as robust as I wish it was, I’ve done incredible things and I can still do more, with any luck.

Look at how happy I look here, and how cute my pants are.

If I can find joy and a sense of success and purpose, literally anyone can. But the first steps start with you. And there is no “I can’t” or “I tried, but…” As the amazing Yoda once said, “There is no try, only do.” You stop only once your goal has been achieved. That is how you gain the strength and confidence to do your next goal. 

Here is how to do it.