Tips for traveling comedians to stay safe(r)
Let's be totally honest, safety is merely a beautiful facade
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Safe Travel Tips for Comedians on the Road
How often do you travel to perform comedy? You may say anything from, “Travel? To perform? What is that?” to, “Well… I have a special pass seat thingy in one of those fancy travel lounges at the airport,” and anything in between.
Even if you’re just doing open mics, you’re probably doing some travel. Be it by subway, bike, car or your own two footsies, you’re getting from point A to point B somehow. Nice work!
I have personally never liked flying. But flying, especially as you become more ensconced in being a professional comedian, is a necessary evil (or a necessary good?) of the job. As my friend once told me, “If you want to go places, you’re going to have to get on a plane.”
With recent airline incidents and a plethora of other safety concerns, I thought we could dig into staying safe when we are on the road. Here’s what I have for you.
Choose name brand airlines, kid
I remember flying around Ireland during one tour, many of the connecting flight planes were small and had weird names I’d never heard of, like “O’Shaugnessy’s Plane LLC.” I don’t know if I’d do that again. In the era of AI and the internet, there’s no reason not to do a quick search. We Google our dinner, our date, and our doctor. Makes sense that we’d Google our planes, too. Pick reputable airlines, even if they’re a little bit more expensive. You’re worth it.
Pack smartly, friend
I always bring weapons with me, like, everywhere I go. Does that sound paranoid? OK, so? It’s how I do me. It’s not unusual for me to carry mace, a pocket knife, and I have a tazer, too. While I can’t bring them on planes, I have them all over my home, car, bike, purse, person, and luggage when I travel on the road. I also pack very light so that if I need to break out of somewhere quickly, I don’t have to schlep a ton of stuff. I keep my important things in a close, smaller bag, like a purse, and things I can abandon with no fear or regret in a bigger bag. Everything I own that has value is insured. It’s not expensive to do, and I’ve learned the hard way from losing things of value or having them stolen. I have an anti-anxiety medication I use for flying, because I’m that person who holds the stranger’s hand next to me on the plane, and stuff, and no one deserves that.
Pay Attention To Flight Information, bro
Flights change, plans change. Stay on top of the details, and you’ll save money, reduce stress, and be able to pivot quickly, if need be.
Stay alert, homie
Keep your head up and your eyes open at airports, hotels, venues, in cabs, everywhere. Don’t put on your headphones and tune out in places that are not familiar to you, and even then. Don’t give people you don’t know your personal information—vet people through friends and business contacts. Get an RFID shielding wallet or cards that won’t let people walk by you with a card reader and steal your info. Rely on your gut instincts to help guide you out of situations that seem dubious. Don’t worry about hurting people’s feelings, just leave, say no, no thank you. Practice saying “no,” “no thanks,” “I’m good,” so that in the moment, it feels natural and comfortable to do. What am I, your mom? YES.
Pretend it’s COVID times all the time, my man
Bring hand sanitizer, bring a mask to wear if you f—n feel like it, it’s your face. Bring disinfectant wipes. Wipe things down. Did you ever see that great scene in the Joan Rivers documentary, A Piece of Work, where she goes into the hotel and Lysols the bathroom sink and toilet seat? She was the BEST. And she’s no dummy. How do you think she lived to be 81? Keep your health insurance card in your wallet. Be insured. If you’re broke, it’s free. If you’re not, it’s not that expensive. If you’re rich, tough luck, you have to pay an unfair amount of money for insurance. Also, consider travel insurance, and getting the special extra car insurance, too. That’s kind of a scam, but last year in San Francisco, when a rock flew out from a truck and smashed the windshield of the big, fancy Jeep I rented, I only had to pay $20 instead of $1000.
Have an emergency plan, son
Pay attention during the little emergency sesh as the plane is taxying down the runway. Know where the exits are in the hotels and comedy clubs. Scan or walk through spaces, restaurants, venues you spend time in so you’re on top of what’s what. Scope out any folks who give you the heebie jeebies and give them the fingers to your eyes and theirs a few times so they know you’re onto them. Don’t really do that for real. Do it mentally.
Stay connected, buddy
Tell your mom/girlfriend/boyfriend/cousin/boss/bff where you’ll be and how long you’ll be there for. Keep in touch with friends while on the road so they don’t assume you’re missing and send cops to your hotel. When I was single, I used to write a letter with all my travel details, put it into an envelope and leave it on my dresser, like some kind of paranoid psychopath in my own little after school special. But now, I give the letter to people I love in the form of an email or text.
Be professional, you silly goose
Going out after the show and getting cronked with friends and strangers is fun, but also, being a comedian is your job, and there is a certain element of professionalism that you should bring to the gig. Making sure to get enough sleep so you can do your radio interviews the next day, showing up on time to meetings or auditions and just otherwise behaving like the champion you are is, like, one way to do it.
One awesome thing about being a comedian is that our sense of intuition gets highly developed over time from interacting with audiences who can and will do and say all kinds of kooky things. Relying on that intuition while you’re on the road will help you break a leg metaphorically and not literally, and with any luck you won’t die, on stage or off.
Daily musings:
Louis C.K. is performing about an hour or so outside of NYC | Times-Tribune
Bill Murray on working with Gene Hackman (R.I.P.) | YouTube
Speaking of Bills, Bill Burr has a new comedy special | Trailer
Adios, amigo.
You made serious advice hilarious. 😂 Well done. I don’t need to tell you to be safe otherwise I would. 😉
dear jess,
thanks for sharing this!
i particularly appreciate the "Choose name brand airlines, kid" section:
"I remember flying around Ireland during one tour, many of the connecting flight planes were small and had weird names I’d never heard of, like 'O’Shaugnessy’s Plane LLC.' I don’t know if I’d do that again. In the era of AI and the internet, there’s no reason not to do a quick search. We Google our dinner, our date, and our doctor. Makes sense that we’d Google our planes, too. Pick reputable airlines, even if they’re a little bit more expensive. You’re worth it."
i'll add a rec to do that for car rental places as well. there are some good, small, unknown ones, AND ALSO there are other ones that i've booked because they were way cheaper AND then i found out why.
thank you as always!
love
myq